Michigan/Ohio State Jokes

Photo Credit: @photogoofer

In honor of Rivalry Week leading up to "The Game", I have posted some Michigan/Ohio State humor the past several years.

I've collected all of the jokes I have into a greatest hits collection below. Click on the link and it'll take you to the full joke.

I fully realize that the titles of these jokes sound like the names of Seinfeld episodes, but it's the best I could do. Enjoy!

• The Game
• The Joke
• The Road
• Heaven
• The Phone
• The Mountain
• The Prayer
• The Shark
• The Puzzle
• The Priest

Here's to a fun week and a great game. Go Blue!

Michigan/Ohio State Humor - The Game

A guy named Bob received a free ticket to the Ohio State vs. Michigan game from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrived at the stadium, he discovered the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium way back in the south stands.

About halfway through the first quarter, he noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field at the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way down to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” The man said, “No.”

Very excited to have such a great seat for the game, Bob said, “That's incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Ohio State-Michigan game and not use it?”

The man replied, “Actually, that seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Ohio State-Michigan game we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.”

Bob said, “Well, that's really sad. Couldn't you find a friend or a relative to come with you?”

“No,” the man replied. “They're all at the funeral.”

Michigan/Ohio State Humor - The Joke

A University of Michigan grad is driving through Columbus and decides to visit a local bar. He orders a drink and leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Wanna hear a good Ohio State joke?”

The guy replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I am 6′ 3’’, 240 pounds. The guy sitting next to me is 6′4″, 250 pounds. And the guy right next to him is 6′2″, 225 pounds. In addition to that, we all went to Ohio State and we all played football for the Buckeyes. So, tell me, do you still wanna tell me that joke?”

The Michigan guy replies, “Well, no, not if I’m going to have to explain it three different times.”

Michigan/Ohio State Humor - The Road

One foggy night, a Wolverine fan was heading south from Michigan and a Buckeye fan was driving north from Ohio. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

The Ohio State fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"

Likewise, the Wolverine fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived. The Buckeye fan walks over to the Wolverine fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."

The Wolverine fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."

The Michigan fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Buckeye, "I think this is another sign- we should toast to our newfound friendship." The OSU fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Buckeye fan hands it back to the U of M fan and says, "Your turn!"

The Wolverine fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."

Michigan/Ohio State Humor - Heaven

Shortly after former Michigan coach Bo Schembechler passes away and enters through the Pearly Gates, former Ohio State coach Woody Hayes happens to get released from football coach purgatory. Upon his entrance to heaven, God takes Woody on a tour of the place. He shows Woody a little two bedroom house with a faded Ohio State banner hanging from the front porch.

"This is your home now, Coach Hayes. You know, you should be grateful. Most people don't get their own house up here," God exclaims.

Woody looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. University of Michigan flags line both sides of the sidewalk with a huge maize and blue banner with the distinctive block "M" hanging between the marble columns.

Woody says to God, "Thanks for the home God, but let me ask you a question."

"I get this little two bedroom house with a faded OSU banner, and Bo Schembechler gets a huge mansion with new Michigan banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that God?"

God looks at him seriously for a moment then replies, "Woody, my child. You've got it all wrong. For you see...that's not Bo's house. That's mine!"

Michigan/Ohio State Humor - The Phone

A highly recruited high school football player was visiting schools to try and find the best college for him. His first stop was at Notre Dame. When he got there, Brian Kelly immediately picked up a golden telephone.

After talking several minutes, he said, "Thank you, God," and hung up. This shocked the young man. He asked the coach what was so special about the golden phone."Well, this phone is a direct line to God. And God tells us whether or not new recruits would be stars at our university. The athlete asked if he could use the phone to ask God what college he should pick. "Sure, you can! But it's going to cost you $1,000. Calling Heaven ain't cheap."

The fellow didn't have that kind of money, so he moved along. His next stop was Ohio State. Upon entering Urban Meyer's office, Coach Meyer immediately picked up a golden telephone. After talking several minutes, he said, "Thank you, God" and hung up. The boy said, "Hey, I've seen those phones before. Can I use yours to call God and ask what college I should pick?" Urban said, "Sure, but it's going to cost you $750. Calling Heaven isn't cheap."

Again, not having that kind of money, the young man left. His last stop was in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Upon arrival at the office, Brady Hoke picked up a golden telephone, talked to God, and said, "Thanks," and hung up. The boy just had to use that phone, so he said, "Coach, I really need to use that golden telephone so I can call God and ask him which college I should choose. From South Bend it was going to cost me $1000. From Ohio they wanted $750. So how much will it cost me to call heaven from here in Michigan?"

Coach Hoke smiled and said, "Nothing, Son. It's a local call."

Michigan/Ohio State Humor - The Mountain

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: an Ohio State grad, a Michigan grad, a Michigan State grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.

As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Fighting Irish!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be outdone, the MSU grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Spartans!" and plummeted to his death.

Seeing this, the U of M grad walked over and shouted "This is for Everybody!" and shoved the Buckeye off the side of the mountain.

Michigan/Ohio State Humor - The Prayer

Ohio State is threatening to score the winning touchdown with four seconds to go on the Michigan two-yard line. Urban Meyer looks to the sky and says, “Oh Lord, I've been a good person. I've tried to live a good life. Please, give me your guidance. What play should we run?”

Suddenly, the clouds part and a booming voice says, “RUN 34 POWER TRAP RIGHT.” Urban stands in stunned disbelief. His prayer has been answered! Quickly, Coach Meyer tells Braxton Miller to run 34 power trap right. The quarterback calls the play and hands off to the running back, who is immediately swarmed by Wolverine linebackers in the backfield.

The game ends and Michigan fans storm the field to celebrate. From the sideline, Urban looks toward heaven and says, “Why Lord? Why did you tell me to run 34 power trap right?”

The same booming voice answers, “I DON'T KNOW. WHY DID WE RUN 34 POWER TRAP, BO?”

Michigan/Ohio State Humor - The Shark

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing an Ohio State jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope looked on in horror, a speedboat came racing up with three men aboard who were wearing Michigan jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Buckeye fan from the water. Then using an Bo Schembechler autographed baseball bats, the three heroes in Maize and Blue beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Buckeye and Michigan fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom." 

"Well," the harpooner said, "He may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know jack squat about shark fishing.... how's the bait holding up?"

Michigan/Ohio State Humor - The Puzzle

There was a bartender at an off-campus Columbus bar who was busy serving drinks one afternoon when he heard some loud shouting and laughter from the corner of the bar. He walked over and found two guys who he recognized as Ohio State football players high-fiving each other and celebrating like they had just won a BCS championship over Florida.

The bartender proceeded to ask them why they were so excited. The smarter of the two Buckeyes said proudly that they had just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took them two months.

“Two months?!” exclaimed the bartender.

The Buckeye proudly replied, “Yeah, the box said 4 - 6 years!”

Michigan/Ohio State Humor - The Priest

There was once a Michigan fan that liked to amuse himself by scaring every Ohio State fan he saw walking down the street. He would serve his car as if to hit them and then swerve back just missing them.
One day, while driving along, he saw a priest walking alongside of the road. He thought he would do a good deed so he pulled over and asked the clergyman, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to give mass at St. Francis Church, about 2 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"Climb in, Father! I'll give you a lift!"

The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and they continued down the road. Suddenly, the man saw a Buckeye fan walking down the road wearing one of those atrocious scarlet and gray sweatshirts with the big “O” on them. Instinctively, the Michigan man swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back into the road just in time.

Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest and sheepishly turned to him and said, "Sorry, Father, I almost hit that Buckeye fan."

"That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door."