A Conversation About Growing Up Black

"I walk tall, keep my head up, try to be articulate and polite. I think I'm going to be fine because I act a certain way. But, of course, that has nothing to do with it. How people perceive you is not always up to you." Bisa, Age 17

The New York Times has posted this powerful short video where a number of young men and boys are asked to share about their experiences of growing up black in America. 

With the recent increased focus that has been placed on the ways that black men are perceived, especially in their relationship with law enforcement, this video helps to put a voice to the feelings that so many black men experience.

Why Single Women Need To Wait For The Right Man

Photo Credit: de.laina

Here are some challenging thoughts from Ruthie Dean urging single women to wait on the right mate by being the right mate:

"As women, I believe we in part perpetuate the man-boy problem by failing to hold the highest standards for ourselves, standards God desires for us. I recently heard a friend complaining that she couldn’t get Phillip* to call her. Two minutes later, she responded to his text, “Wanna watch a movie at my house?” in the affirmative. I’ve seen it too many times—brilliant, accomplished, God-fearing women making excuses for the players and the deadbeats and the guy who aren’t interested in anything more than sex. A lot of us have been there. We’re strong. We aren’t settling. And then we lose sight of what’s important and start “hanging out with” that guy. If a man can’t call to ask you on a date, he’s certainly not going to man-up and put a ring on your finger. 

The arguably most dangerous way women are contributing to the man-boy problem is in regards to sex. Oftentimes, women, including Christians, go further physically than they want to, hoping that their prowess will help them ‘catch a man’ when in fact, the opposite happens. Sex gives men the benefits without the promise of commitment and fidelity. Sure, there won’t be as many guys lining up to date you, but marriage will be a different story. Keeping the highest sexual purity standards will ensure he isn’t dating you just because he likes seeing you naked—and keep his intentions honorable. 

Another way women perpetuate the problem comes with the well-at-least-he’s-better-than _____ game. My hairdresser told me yesterday she had a hard time ending a relationship with a non-Christian, because the last Christian she dated had sent her pornographic text messages. Infuriating! However, standards should not be created based on the worst examples but instead on what God deems right. 

Many women also fall prey to the lie that dating or hanging out with “that guy” does not hold future implications. I found this especially true in college when friends (and myself, ahem) would date Mr. Text or Mr. I Don’t Believe in Organized Religion believing we could end the relationships as soon as someone better came along. However many of my friends are still entangled with or damaged by these men—especially in cases where sex was involved. By dating or playing around with the wrong men, we are essentially displaying mistrust in God’s plan and harming ourselves when the right man comes along. Andy Stanley, pastor of North Point Community Church, challenges singles: “Become the right person the right person is looking for.” A woman who dates placeholder men is most likely not who “Mr. Right” is looking for."

To read the rest of the article "Real Women Don't Text Back" please click here.

Why Biblical Submission Might Not Mean What You Think It Does

Photo Credit: Daniel Andre

There are many positive ways in which the Bible can be read. It can used to comfort, to encourage, to challenge, to direct, to instruct, to guide, to teach, to discipline and to train. Unfortunately, there are other ways that the Holy Scriptures has been twisted and distorted to demean others, to subjugate others and to hate others.

One of these areas in which the Bible has been misused is the topic of biblical submission. This subject relates specifically to how men and women are to relate to each other in marriage, church leadership and society at large. There are a variety of perspectives on this matter but, in general, there are two specific camps when it comes to the area of submission.

Complementarianism is the belief that God created men and women distinct from one another with differing, yet complementing, roles. For example, the man is the head of the household and the role of a pastor is reserved exclusively for men. Those that hold to this view will typically hold to more traditional roles between men and women when it comes to vocations and service in their local church.

Egalitarianism is the view that any roles both within the home and within the Church are not limited by one's gender. This would mean that a woman could be the final decision maker in a marriage relationship and that woman could hold any leadership role within the Church that she is gifted for. Egalitarians typically advocate women stepping into positions traditionally held by men if they feel they are called by God.

The proponents of both of these positions use the Scriptures to back up their views and both believe that their view is correct. My point in this post is not to argue for either position but to offer a different slant on what biblical submission truly means. Russell Moore explains in a recent post why he feels that even if one subscribes to a complementarian position in marriage it doesn't mean that women are to submit to all men everywhere.

Dr. Moore says this:

"Too often in our culture, women and girls are pressured to submit to men, as a category. This is the reason so many women, even feminist women, are consumed with what men, in general, think of them. This is the reason a woman’s value in our society, too often, is defined in terms of sexual attractiveness and availability. Is it any wonder that so many of our girls and women are destroyed by a predatory patriarchy that demeans the dignity and glory of what it means to be a woman? 

Submitting to men in general renders it impossible to submit to one’s “own husband.” Submission to one’s husband means faithfulness to him, and to him alone, which means saying “no” to other suitors. 

Submission to a right authority always means a corresponding refusal to submit to a false authority. Eve’s submission to the Serpent’s word meant she refused to submit to God’s. On the other hand, Mary’s submission to God’s word about the child within her meant she refused to submit to Herod’s. God repeatedly charges his Bride, the people of Israel, with a refusal to submit to him because they have submitted to the advances of other lovers. The freedom of the gospel means, the apostle tells us, that we “do not submit again to a yoke of slavery” (Gal. 5:1). 

Despite the promise of female empowerment in the present age, the sexual revolution has given us the reverse. Is it really an advance for women that the average high-school male has seen images of women sexually exploited and humiliated on the Internet? Is it really empowerment to have more and more women economically at the mercy of men who freely abandon them and their children, often with little legal recourse? Is this really a “pro-woman” culture when restaurant chains enable men to pay to ogle women in tight T-shirts while they gobble down chicken wings? How likely is it that a woman with the attractiveness of Henry Kissinger will obtain power or celebrity status in American culture? What about the girl in your community pressured to perform oral sex on a boyfriend, what is this but a patriarchy brutal enough for a Bronze Age warlord? 

In the church it is little better. Too many of our girls and young women are tyrannized by the expectation to look a certain way, to weigh a certain amount, in order to gain the attention of “guys."

Biblical submission, when properly understood, doesn't mean that men are rulers over women. Too many men treat women as second class citizens or "less than" in the eyes of God because they are of a different gender. A wife who graciously submits to her husband is to be loved by her husband just as Jesus loved His followers, even to the point of death. A man that seeks to abuse submission to his own advantage simply does not understand the gospel of Jesus. Pastors on ego trips that play the submission card whenever someone disagrees with them probably need to find a new line of work.

One passage that is often quoted in this discussion is Ephesians 5:22: "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord." However, it is rare that the verse right before it is also included -- "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." Ephesians 5:22 specifically speaks to husbands and wives; Ephesians 5:21 speaks to all of us.

To read Russell Moore's complete post please click here.

Do Christian Men Have an Obligation to Marry Young?

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Kay S. Hymowitz has written a fascinating article for the Wall Street Journal Online about the trend we are seeing of men that seem to be intentionally delaying adulthood by avoiding marriage and parenthood until much later in life.

Hymowitz quotes comedienne and author, Julie Klausner:

"We are sick of hooking up with guys," writes the comedian Julie Klausner, author of a touchingly funny 2010 book, "I Don't Care About Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Sensitive Hipsters and Other Guys I've Dated." What Ms. Klausner means by "guys" is males who are not boys or men but something in between. "Guys talk about 'Star Wars' like it's not a movie made for people half their age; a guy's idea of a perfect night is a hang around the PlayStation with his bandmates, or a trip to Vegas with his college friends.... They are more like the kids we babysat than the dads who drove us home." One female reviewer of Ms. Kausner's book wrote, "I had to stop several times while reading and think: Wait, did I date this same guy?"

Hymowitz goes onto identify that ambiguous stage of life that more and more men are occupying for longer periods of time -- pre-adulthood.  Those classified in the pre-adulthood stage are males that may be post-college age-wise (mid 20's and up), but are living life fundamentally no differently than they did while in their teens or early 20's.  (If you're having a difficult time envisioning this, picture Adam Sandler in nearly any movie that he has ever been in.) 

How could this be a problem?  Well, if you're a single women that is looking for a man who you can settle down and start a family with, it may seem like slim pickings when examining the field.  For most women, the ideal potential husband probably has showered within the last 24 hours, does not regularly go out with "bed head", and doesn't occupy a job that could easily be filled by a fifteen year old high school student.  A pre-adult doesn't fully understand that adulthood not only brings with it independence from one's parents but also responsibility to be a productive member of society.

For the pre-adult male that is perpetually stuck in a state of "21-ness", marriage and family could be the last thing on his mind. Hymowitz comments further:

"Unlike adolescents, however, pre-adults don't know what is supposed to come next. For them, marriage and parenthood come in many forms, or can be skipped altogether. In 1970, just 16% of Americans ages 25 to 29 had never been married; today that's true of an astonishing 55% of the age group. In the U.S., the mean age at first marriage has been climbing toward 30 (a point past which it has already gone in much of Europe). It is no wonder that so many young Americans suffer through a "quarter-life crisis," a period of depression and worry over their future."

In many ways, I have a hard time relating to men that live life well into their 30's and 40's without any plans to marry and have children.  Fairly early on during my time in college, I began praying about whether I thought God would want me to get married and prayed specifically about the type of woman that I would want to marry.  When I believed I had met her, I didn't waste any time.  I met my now-wife when I was 24 and married her shortly after I turned 25 (we were wed less than a year after meeting).  We had our first three children by the time I was 30.  Needless to say, if there was any boy left in me, I was forced to grow up due to the responsibilities inherent in being a husband and father.

Mark Driscoll, a pastor in Seattle, wrote a controversial article on this very topic several months ago.  In the article, Driscoll pulls no punches as he describes these pre-adult men as "boys who can shave."  Look at some of what he had to say:

"What happens if you walk into the church and try to find out what a man looks like? First of all, you're not going to find a lot of guys in most evangelical churches. The least likely person to see in church is a single, twenty-something male. He is as rare at church as a vegan at a steak house.

In the world, boys who can shave are children who are consumers. In the church, boys who can shave are cowards who are complainers.

A buddy of mine calls them evangellyfish because they have no backbone. They don't declare a major, church, theology, or fiancé. They don't want to fail and they think if they don't try, then they can't fail. And by definition, that's a failure.

They are, however, endowed with the spiritual gift of complaining. They say, "I hate the church. The church just wants my money." As if the church wants his futon, Xbox, light beer, and computer filled with free Internet porn.

Here's the cold hard truth: it's a lot harder to do something than it is to complain about those who are doing something. The notorious sin of Christian guys is complaining about guys who are doing something rather than doing something."

While Driscoll's words certainly are pointed, I have to admit that I agree with much of what he has to say. Boys are tentative, irresponsible and wait for others to do things for them. Men take initiative, willingly accept responsibility and gladly call others to follow them.  But does this mean that Christian men that wait until later in life to marry are in sin?

First, there is no age that the Bible states when a man should marry. Throughout history men have generally married at a variety of ages, depending upon the era and culture in which they lived. So I don't think there is a "right" age for all men to seek out marriage.

Second, marriage is not for everyone. There have been some great men throughout history (both Jesus Christ and the Apostle Paul come to mind) that did not marry because they felt they could serve God more faithfully without the responsibilities of marriage. So a man that feels called by God to a single and celibate lifestyle for the sake of the gospel should be applauded.

Third, there are men that desperately want to get married and God has just not brought the right woman across their path. They are committed to living a God-honoring lifestyle and are not willing to compromise their convictions just because they have a desire to get married. These men, too, should be admired and esteemed.

However, I think that the trends show that there is an increasing number of Christian men that are prolonging marriage because they simply don't want to accept the responsibilities that come with having a wife and, possibly, children. It is not that they feel called to singleness or aren't interested in women, they simply don't want to grow up and move on to the next stage of life.

Being a husband and father forces us to grow up and truly live as men and that scares a lot of guys.  These "boys who can shave" realize that having a wife will mean that they will be responsible to and for someone else and that is intimidating.  It means they will not just be living for themselves anymore but will need to take someone else into account.

But their passivity affects others whether they realize it or not.  There are literally millions of godly, available women that are searching for a husband in a world seemingly made up of boys. I know of too many women that are waiting for a man of initiative to pursue them yet the single men that they interact with are too busy playing video games and hanging out with their buddies.

It can grow wearisome for Christian women to wait for years for a godly man to pursue them and settle for any nice guy that shows an interest in them. My advice to women is to not settle when it comes to your dating relationships and the choice of a husband. If you want to be married to a man, don't date a boy.

For the men out there, Driscoll has this advice:

"Men, you are to be creators and cultivators. God is a creator and a cultivator and you were made to image him. Create a family and cultivate your wife and children. Create a ministry and cultivate other people. Create a business and cultivate it. Be a giver, not a taker, a producer and not just a consumer. Stop looking for the path of least resistance and start running down the path of greatest glory to God and good to others because that's what Jesus, the real man, did."

Black Male Graduation Rates & Hope for the Future

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Seattle Municipal Archives

A new study from the Schott Foundation for Public Education paints a disturbing picture on recent graduation rates for young black males.  According to the research, less than half (47%) of black males that started high school in 2003 had obtained a diploma in 2008.

NPR picks up the story:

"John Jackson, the foundation's president and CEO, tells NPR's Guy Raz that those numbers are dismal largely because of the lack of resources in schools with high black populations. He says that when young black men are given opportunities to learn in schools with more resources, they perform well.

Detroit had one of the worst black male graduation rates for any city: 27 percent. But the graduation rate for young white men was even worse, at 19 percent. Jackson says those numbers prove that a lack of resources affects everyone — not just one racial group. "What makes it a race and ethnicity issue is that more black males are in poorly resourced schools and have less access to the types of resources needed to learn," Jackson says.

There's hope in the story of New Jersey. In 2003, black male students there were graduating at a rate of 48 percent. Just five years later, that rate had soared to 75 percent. Jackson attributes New Jersey's turnaround to the changes made because of a court case, Abbott v. Burke. Parents sued, and a judge found that the state spent less in schools with two-thirds African-American enrollment. He ordered the state to spend the same across the board.

Jackson says the state decided to fund areas that education experts have shown to be effective, such as early childhood education and hiring high-quality teachers. "And in there, we know there is a need for extended-day learning," Jackson says, "perhaps even year-round schooling for those who are behind to recover."

Unless other states follow the lead of New Jersey, Jackson says, the new study is a harbinger of worse things to come. He says low graduation rates are connected to high unemployment and incarceration rates among black men. Black males make up 40 percent of the U.S. prison population, he says, but only 6 percent of the country's overall population.

"So our country, economically, is paying on two ends," Jackson says. "The consequences are across the board."

Quite simply, if young children are not afforded fair opportunities in order to receive a quality education, there is little that bodes well for their future. If they are given access to resources and enjoy broad parental and teacher involvement, their chances for success increase dramatically.  School districts and places of worship must invest in the younger generation if we are to have hope for a better future.

(h/t to Racialicious for the link)

Is Facebook Harmful for Young Women?

According to a new study by the Oxygen Media and Lightspeed Research company, there are some disturbing trends developing as it pertains to young women and their relationship to Facebook. The study found that of women aged 18-34, at least 1/3 of them check their Facebook account before they do anything else in the morning.

Other facts from the study:

• 42% of women age 18-34 think it's okay to post photos of themselves while intoxicated.
• 21% check Facebook in the middle of the night.
• 58% use Facebook to check up on "frenemies."
• 50% think it's okay to date those they've met on Facebook (65% of men have no problem with this).
• 6% use Facebook to "hook up" with others (20% of men do).
• 9% have used Facebook to break up a relationship they were in while 24% of men have done the same.

These statistics demonstrate that women should think twice about the information they post on their Facebook profile, the friends that they meet online and examine whether Facebook has become an addiction for them.

As Ben Parr on Mashable.com shares:

"What conclusions can we draw from this data? It’s not just that young women are using Facebook religiously: it’s that they’re very open with what they post and who they accept as friends. Combined, it can lead to a privacy mess."

When the numbers concerning how men use Facebook in relationships are examined, there are some shocking realities that come into play. Men, too, are susceptible to the same temptations that unguarded online interactions can bring. Modern technology can be a great tool when used properly, but it also can be used for harm and destruction by those with ill motives.

For some helpful tips on how to protect your Facebook privacy, check out these suggestions from MakeUseOf.com.

(h/t to Tony Arnold)